5 Reasons We Will Never Print a List Article

At The Chicken Feed, there’s nothing we hate more than the internet. We think this makes sense, and is very 2016 of us.

To that end, here are 5 reasons we will never publish one of the internet’s most beloved things that you can find on it – an article formatted as a numbered list:

  1. They are filled with bees
    We’ve all had the experience of clicking on a list article only to have a swarm of angry honey bees emerge from our display and envelop our head in a buzzing, rippling cloud of pain. Now that the bees are embittered by their recent addition to the endangered species list, they will be even more surly. We don’t want that for you.
  2. They must all be personally approved for publication by Tim Cook     
    Tim Cook, the CEO of Apple, passed a law that states only he has final say about which list articles are published, and which aren’t. Tim has a lot to do these days, what with running the most successful tech company in the world, and holding dozens of Apple Watches under water to make sure they’re really water proof and it’s not just an email prank he fell for. Waiting for him to approve our list articles would take ages.
  3. They are not compatible with Android phones
    Sadly, there’s still no way for Android phones to display lists. Since many of our readers are Android users, and others are undoubtedly androids or humanoid self-aware machines themselves, it would be unfair to format our content in a way that doesn’t allow them to view it. Robots cannot understand a list unless it starts at 0 and ends at 1.
  4. I hate you
    I’ve never really liked you, but over the past couple of years that feeling has blossomed into full-blown malice. I think it started when I noticed you were consistently doing just a little bit better than me in life. Just checking those life goals off a little bit quicker year after year. I understand that I know very little of your day-to-day and am basing my assessment on you purely on the successes and memorable moments you post about on Facebook, but hating you is easier than admitting we’re all on our own unique journey and just because things are super hard for me, they’re not automatically a breeze for everyone else. I fucking hate you, dude.
  5. We’re taking the internet back.
    Ten years ago, the internet was a different place. There are many amazing things about the World Wide Web Of Today: a live stream from the international space stationa rabbit-hole of TV and moviesKanye West’s twitter… but we miss a time when people were willing to read something that wasn’t condensed into 140 characters or split off into bite-sized ideas, terrified that at any moment the audience might click away to something else.

We believe in you, audience human. We think you’re as sick of the internet as we are. And just a little bit sexy.